Read an Excerpt
Oh My God..... I freaked out and jumped out of the Hearse and ran around to the back of the car and jumped in real quick and without thinking I said, "Oh My God, I'm so, so sorry" to the dead guy under the sheet, then I felt like a total idiot because we both knew he was dead. I finally got him positioned back up on the stretcher, and now I really knew what they meant when they say dead weight. That poor guy weighed a ton. When I finally got back, I got him out and loaded him onto this creepy chair that had side arms and legs on it in order to spread his limbs apart so I could wash everywhere. And when I was hosing this poor guy off, all of a sudden out of left field, this guy's left arm went flying straight up in the air by itself. And I shit a gold brick, right then and there. After I eventually regained my composure, I then called the funeral director and told him what just happened, and he said, "That's not out of the normal and that he would be right there." Well, after counting every passing minute until he finally showed up, the director proceeded to do things with this guy's juggler veins and embalming fluid, that I don't even want to talk about. Somehow afterwards, I amazingly went back to sleep only to wake up a short time later, from an incredibly hair raising nightmare. I dreamed I was washing this guy off and for some reason, he fell off of that creepy chair, and when I went to pick him up off of the floor, he started to get up by his own Damn self and said, "That's Ok, I can do it myself." I woke up in a panicked state of mind screaming out loud, No, No, No. And mind you, staying up until the very first minute the director returned at seven in the morning. That's when Isaid, "I'll catch you later when your legs are straighter," and then, I split like a banana, honest to God.