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Prologue
Although I did not realize it at the time, or for many years afterward, that January day in my maternal grandfather’s house, was the most important day of my life. I can remember the dining-room, with its high ceiling, pale walls, and large window that overlooked the terraces, deep in snow. I can remember the feeling of excitement all about me. The family were awaiting the arrival of somebody — I was not certain who, though I did know it was a relative. It seemed that everyone who came to the house was some sort of relative. I was always the smallest, the only child, in a moving mass of grownups. Sometimes l was looking upward, trying to understand what they were saying; more often I was absorbed in my own affairs.
Now there were, besides myself, five people in the room. These were my mother, her parents, her sister Eva, and her young brother — always called Waugh. He had thick curling hair, so golden as to have almost a greenish cast, and rather greenish eyes. He had been a beautiful boy, but, when playing football, he had got his nose broken. In those days surgeons were not so clever at setting noses and the shape of his was left far from perfect.
We all were listening for the sound of sleighbells.
Now the silvery jingle of it came, sharp and clear on the frosty air. My uncle was the first to hear it. “There they are,” he cried and darted along the hall and out of the front door.
The others followed. I came last. The January cold rushed into the hall. The front lawn stood high above the road and was protected by a white picket fence. I could see on the road below the sleek bay mare and the bright red sleigh, with its bearskin rugs, one to cover the knees, the other to hang over the back of the sleigh. The mare was restive, tossing her head and pawing the snow. At each vigorous movement the bells, with which her harness was strung, quivered and sent out their gay chime. The largest of these hung above her shoulders. It was silver and had a special tone of its own — to me at once captivating and troubling.
I saw the massive figure of my father alight and go to the mare’s head. He was followed by my uncle George who was carrying a large bundle. Those were all. Uncle George was young, small and slight. The bundle could not have been very heavy, for he strode quickly through the gate, along the snowy path, flanked on either side by high drifts, and into the midst of the waiting group in the hall. My father did not come in but again took his seat in the sleigh. The bells rang out joyously. He was taking his mare to the stable.
When I saw there was a child in the bundle I drew away. In fact, no one noticed me. All were intent on the bundle, from the top of which now hung, like limp petals of a flower, strands of silvery fair hair. Uncle George sat down in my grandfather’s arm-chair and began to take layer after layer of shawls from the bundle. He did it with a proud possessive air, as though he was doing a conjuring trick. Everybody stood about, waiting for the climax.
The climax was a small girl, sitting demurely on his knee, her thin little hands folded on her lap, while she stared about her, dazed by the sudden change of scene which lately had befallen her. Her hair hung about her shoulders but was cut squarely into a straight thick fringe above her blue eyes. She had high cheekbones which then were considered rather a disfigurement, a square little chin and full curling lips. She looked as though she would never smile.
My mother and Aunt Eva were asking questions of her which she answered in a small voice. She just glanced at me. Then, suddenly bold, I came from my corner and stood facing her. I was just tall enough to rest my elbows on the dining-room table behind me. I was seven years old.
“This is Caroline,” my grandmother said to me. “You two little girls must be friends. I think you’d better go off and get acquainted. Tea will soon be ready. Caroline must be starving.”
Uncle George set Caroline on her feet. She came and put her hand into mine.
I held her hand closely and led her into the hall. The door of the sitting-room stood open on our left and that of the parlour on our right. Caroline stared about her but her thin little fingers held tightly to mine.
“I don’t live here,” I said. “I live in Toronto.”
“Oh,” she said, as though not impressed.
“We just come to Grandpa’s for Christmas,” I went on, “and we’ve not gone home yet.”
“That’s a pretty dress,” she said, touching the red and fawn of my dress that had a skirt and little vest with stripes running round and a red bolero. I remember this dress because I so quickly outgrew it and it became Caroline’s. I think I was rather a generous child but I did not want to part with that dress.
“My Uncle Danford brought it to me from England,” I boasted. “He goes every year and always brings me a present. Have you been to England?”
“No,” she said, “but I’ve been to the States — to the prairies.”
That meant nothing to me. I pushed wide the door of the sitting-room, white walled, red carpeted and curtained.
“This is where we had our Christmas tree,” I said. “It touched the ceiling and it was decorated.”
“Oh,” she said again, “and what room is that?” She peered into the parlour.
The fox terrier, Chub, circled about us as we climbed the stair with its white-spindles banisters. Now he would dart ahead of us and rush back to meet us. Then he would hurl himself behind and nip our heels. Half-way up the stairs I stopped in front of the niche where the great white owl sat. Here was something to admire — yet to be afraid of. Going up to bed all by myself, it was a terrifying thing to pass him. Might he not at any moment swoop from his perch and alight on one’s head? Covering my head with my hands I would fly up the stairs, my heart pounding against my ribs.
But, with Caroline beside me, I found a new courage.
“He’s pretty,” she breathed, and stood on tiptoe to put her hands beneath his wings.
“He’s a stuffed owl,” I boasted, and I too put my hands beneath his wings. His beautiful amber glass eyes stared straight ahead of him. Oh, the delicious downy softness of the space beneath his wings — the intimate communion with him!
“He’s pretty,” breathed Caroline again. “Was he alive once?”
“Yes,” I said, my imagination flying away with me, “he flew about in the woods and he killed things. He was a wicked owl. But then one of my uncles shot him and he was stuffed and put on this perch, but at night he comes down and flies all over the house and hoots and cries. I’ve heard him.”
I had expected Caroline to be frightened by this, but instead she gave a delighted squeal of laughter and scampered up the stairs, I after her, the fox terrier barking.
Upstairs I showed her my Christmas presents. The doll with bisque face, arms and feet, and white kid body, the toys, the books. She held the doll in her arms for an ecstatic moment, then — “Can you sew?” she asked.
I had to acknowledge that I could not.
“I can sew,” she said, “and I can recite ‘The Jackdaw of Rheims,’ all the way through. Should you like to hear me?”
She began at once:
The jackdaw sat in the Cardinal’s chair,
Bishop and friar and monk were there —.
And on to the end in her small clear voice.
A delicious intimacy was there between us, in that chill upstairs, with the grown-ups far below and the January sunset reddening the walls. Never before had I had a child in the house with me, a child who would go to bed when I went, have in common with me the activities of childhood. I was used to being made much of, the only grandchild on either side of the family, but I longed for a companion of my own age. Here was the perfect one.
I brought out my Christmas books, the favourite Through the Looking-Glass. We sat together at a table close to the window to catch the last of the daylight and read aloud, page about. I remember how carefully we sounded the g in gnat. Our heads — hers fair, mine curly and brown — touching. Our legs, in their long black cashmere stockings, dangling.
We heard steps on the stair. The fox terrier jumped off the bed. In a moment Aunt Eva looked in at us, her pretty face inquisitive.
“What are you little girls saying to each other?” she asked. “What are you talking about?”
At once she made us feel we had been caught in doing something naughty.
”Nothing,” we answered.
“Nothing,” she said. “Well, that’s funny. Haven’t you anything to tell, Caroline, about all the places you’ve seen?”
“No, ma’a’am,” answered Caroline.
“No, ma’a’am’, repeated Aunt Eva. “That’s a funny way of talking. Where did you pick that up?”
“In the States,” answered Caroline.
“May we have a lamp?” I asked. “It’s getting dark for reading. I’d like a lamp.”
“You may not. Do you think we want the house set on fire? No, indeed. Anyhow it will soon be tea-time.”
She went, a firm, trim figure, always tidy, in spite of her fuzzy, bronze-coloured hair.
What we found funny in all this I cannot remember but, when we were left alone, we went into fits of laughter. We laid our heads on the table and it shook in our senseless mirth.
When we again looked at each other it was through tears. We had laughed till we cried. A wild happiness possessed me. Yet night was falling, made even darker by the thick flurry of snow that swept against the window. The panes were covered by white furry frost. I scratched a clean space on this with my nail and peered out.
Down below the steep terrace, deep in snow, I could just make out the shape of the stable. A light showed in its window. The world was a whirling mass of snowflakes. The wind had been given a voice and with it blew screaming round the house, enclosing us in our own fastness.
I turned and could just make out the white disc of Caroline’s face in the dusk. Should I tell her my secret? There was an expectant tilt to her pale head. Her thin hands were clasped as though in beseeching.
I drew a sigh. “I have a secret,” I said.
“A secret,” she breathed. “Oh, I love secrets.”
“I’ll tell you,” I said, not able to stop myself, “if you'll promise never never to tell anyone else.”
“I promise.” And it seemed and was true that she’d die first. “I will never tell.”
”It was a dream,” I said. “First it was a dream — then I played it — all by myself. I play it every day. But now you are here, I'll tell you and we’ll play it together.”
“What do you call it?” she whispered, as though under the weight of a mystery.
“My play I call it. But now it must be our play. We’ll play it together — if you think you can.”
“I can play anything — if it’s pretend,” she said decidedly. “I’ve never tried it but I know I can.”
So then I told her.