The Autobiography of Vivian

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I was about seventeen years old, and had never been out of Pennsylvania with the exception of Vermont, oddly enough. (My family had been going there for winter and summer vacations even before I was part of the Livingston clan.) My parents had ordinary expectations for their only daughter. Marry my high school sweetheart after a college education, of course, and then very simply become my mother. I had two older brothers (every girl's worst nightmare once you hit puberty), an overwhelmingly loving and extraordinary mother, and a dad who was a college professor with lots of admirers in the academic world. (Every girl's dream once you hit puberty.)

I did my best to follow the rules of my household (when everyone was looking) with curfews, grades, and such, and likewise did my best to stay out of the vantage points of my brothers, Simon and Joseph. I thought of it as doing everyone a favor. Why let my parents down? Why piss my brothers off? It wouldn't do me any good. I was my own undercover agent. Charlie's fourth Angel, if you will. Yeah sure, I'll be the Vivian you want me to be and I'll be the Vivian I want to be. It was that simple.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as if I was spending my free time in the backseats of cars, shoplifting lip gloss, or anything like that. I prefer to think of these wild and unruly days as the time when I was developing my character. Creating my personality. I was headstrong and confident, a leader most of the time. I was confrontational and loved a challenge. I was a big sister to my girlfriends and just one of the guys to most of my boy friends. I liked who I was. It worked for me.

My best friend, Sophie, and I had agreed since the third grade that we'd go to college together, marry twin brothers, and be next-door neighbors forever. So we applied to one school and one school only--Penn State. We got in, lived far enough from campus that we had to dorm together, and between the two of us made a pretty good case for why we needed our own wheels as of semester one. See, neither of us had big plans. College was to be four years of memory-making and, of course, finding those twins.

With little to no direction, college was still a learning experience in ways neither of us could have imagined, and the freedom it provided, albeit several hours from home, changed our lives forever.

Today, when people ask how I managed to get where I am--be who I am--I can only point to the second semester of senior year as "my moment." You know what I mean. It's that moment in time that for you, and you only, seems like a mini-motion picture, a dream that you don't have to close your eyes in order to see in a wildly vivid way.

Unlike my brothers, who were overachievers (the obvious kind--Simon followed in my father's footsteps, three degrees under his belt and ready to take the world by storm, and Joseph, more of a financier and having just received his M.B.A., was plotting quite an ambitious play in the dot-com arena), I had no plans of furthering my education. I was going to graduate, take those quintessential photos with my family in that horrible polyester cap and gown that I'm convinced only looks good on men, pack my bags, and return right back to where I started with a framed degree for my parents to gloat over.

But my future did an about-face on the afternoon of a typical day during my senior year. My schedule rocked with only three classes two days a week and more free time than I knew what to do with. I started getting into fitness, strength training really. One of my goals was to finally be able to do a pull-up. (You remember the physical fitness tests in high school? They would calculate the percentage of your body fat with what looked like a plastic screwdriver, make you run a mile, and then have you do those pull-ups. Well, I was never able to do one. My gym teacher, Ms. Callaghan, seemed to revel in my weakness and that really pissed me off. I made it my mission to be able to do one before I graduated. Boy, I really challenged myself in college, eh? Trying to avenge my tenth-grade gym teacher. Now that's rich.) Well, anyway, I had just finished "My Version" of working out at the gym; I stopped as usual at the convenience store for my congratulatory two chocolate eclairs, and then typically walk them off. I admit it, I also love the way my skin looks after I work out (like after a day at the beach), so I'd walk around and work it (at least in my head).

Okay, talk about a tangent--back to my story: With a nice healthy glow, undoubtedly a few chocolate crunchies in my teeth, and several magazines I picked up along the way, I stopped by my favorite coffee shop on campus (favorite only because Sophie worked there so my cappuccinos were free). I ordered my drink, found the perfect vacant table in the back corner of the place (I always like a good view, very Godfather), and parked it for a while. I started flipping through my 'zines, got in a good bit of people watching (one of my favorite pastimes) between scoping the pages, and then for some strange reason, my eyes met an advertisement for a songwriting contest. The winner and a friend would be treated to a first class weekend in New York City, two nights in a fancy hotel, spending money, concert tickets, and a new guitar! Well, this advert spoke to me. The trip was scheduled just as spring break would spring and before any final exams, so I could go. My schedule was open and a few days out of the gym wasn't the biggest deal.

I tore the ad out straightaway and ran up to Sophie. I shouted, "We're going to New York! We're going to New York! I won a songwriting contest and we're going!!!!" She pulled the ad from my left hand, my third cappuccino from the right, read the small bit, and said, "Vivian, have you even written a song yet?"

So Sophie to say that. "Not yet, Sophie, uch! (Eye roll here, of course.) But I'm going to--this weekend--and we're going to New York!" And with that, I grabbed my things and ran back to our apartment (Yup, as seniors we had transitioned to an apartment rather than a dorm--so fancy.) and I started writing, and writing, and writing.

This songwriting thing sucked. It wasn't as easy as I had assumed. And if you're asking the question "Vivian, do you even know how to play music?" the answer is "Sort of." Simon had given me his guitar on my sixteenth birthday and although I never took lessons or had huge aspirations to play, I always liked the way it looked in my room. (I'm just being honest.) Over the years, I taught myself how to play a few strings, chords, whatever, so I figured that if I could write something good, I would strum my guitar and the rest would of course be featured on Behind the Music.

I tortured myself for the next few days. I'd listen to music that I liked and ask myself why I liked it. I went through photo albums and my journals for inspiration and in all the frustration broke my word processor. Some evenings I'd grab a bunch of CDs and cassettes, park myself in the bathroom (they don't call it the porcelain god for nothing. Some of my best ideas come to me on the toilet), and began reading the backs of cassettes, realizing that it was all about the chorus. If I could come up with a powerful chorus, the rest would be cake. Okay, maybe cupcakes.

Whatever, I did it. Part one anyway. I ended up submitting ten songs under ten different names: Vivian Livingston, Viv Livingston, Viviana Livingston, Vivian Lives, etc. . . . I was obsessed.

College hadn't been the greatest experience for me (which I'll get into at some point when I'm in a far less better mood--remembering all of this part is incredibly fun!). I had nothing tremendous to look forward to after graduation and I had told Sophie that we were going to New York. All my eggs were in this basket, or at least that's how I saw it, and I was freaking myself out. While Sophie and some of her other friends were planning trips to Florida, I was checking my mailbox. This frightening pattern went on for weeks. My mailman even found me annoying.

Since I hate it when people drag stories out, I'll get straight to it. I won. I freakin' won!!! Mind over matter and perhaps in this case, talent as well! I ran to the coffee shop and was screaming like a lunatic, "We did it, Sophie, we did it!" She had tears in her eyes. This was big. Really, really big. (She was so happy for me, it was sweet.) It had been almost four years since I had accomplished anything that I was proud of and I saw this as a ticket to ride!

We packed like you'd expect--black tops, denim jeans, and tons of Victoria's Secret panties. (We were so tragic!) I remember I bought a small black vinyl backpack special for the trip and Sophie had a tiny, almost miniature purse made out of plastic--shiny plastic. We were mall rats to the core and had no idea what was to come! (I'm sitting here laughing as I think about it.) Either way, we thought we were hot shit and I knew this was the "me" I had been waiting for!

Did I mention that we both got tips just for the occasion? I had a guitar designed on my thumb and Sophie had a stiletto stuck on her pinky! Yeah baby!!! (So scary!)

My parents, of course, had to be there for the big bon voyage. I was twenty, I think, at this point, and get this--my mom bought Sophie and me each a whistle connected to neon yellow string that she insisted we wear around our necks the entire time we were away. (For sure!) Then, even before I could ditch the necklace, there was the white super-stretch limo right on time!!! We started giggling with excitement when we saw it, gave big quick hugs to my parents, and hopped in. Plush garnet velvet trimmings, cool to the core black leather seats, rock glasses, tinted windows, and a remote control for everything. I admit it, we also opened the sunroof, stood up, and started woo-hoo-ing until I nearly lost my voice.

The poor limo driver--Les was his name, I think. I mean, we were such losers. (The worst kind, 'cause we thought we were as cool as they came!) And quite honestly, besides the concert, we had no idea what else we were going to do when we got there. Les suggested a few places, none of which were in the three thousand guidebooks we bought, so we nixed his ideas.

Entering the Big Apple and pulling up at the entrance to our hotel was another huge thrill. We felt like superstars, but much to the dismay of the tourists and such standing by, we weren't. But with Les insisting he carry our bags, closing the car doors behind us, we felt fierce! After an endless check-in, and just as the bellman left us alone in our suite, we began giggling uncontrollably. This was just too, too cool! There were two great goodie bags to dig through (part of our Grand Prize, of course) and just as I was about to order room service, Sophie hung up on the operator and was, like, "Are you kidding me, Vivian? We're going out!!!"

We opened our luggage and threw our clothes on the bed. There was no time to shower, but there was time to tease. (Big hair was in then, give me a break.) We changed (our whistles actually made for a great fashion statement--kidding!) and hit the pavement. Undoubtedly looking like two Bon Jovi groupies, we asked Les to drop us at The China Club. We waited on line for what seemed like hours and after watching about a thousand people get in ahead of us, I told Sophie to take off her jacket, work her cleavage (hell, I didn't have any!), and we sweet-talked the bouncer into letting us in.

Walking in was surreal. I didn't want to blink my eyes and risk missing a single thing (think Aerosmith ^ la Armageddon and "I don't wanna close my eyes . . .") We held hands for at least the first fifteen minutes. (To prove we weren't dreaming and afraid we'd lose each other in the crowd.) We spotted the VIP area, roped off, and knew it was so off-limits. Sophie told me to tell them I had won a songwriting contest and was here for the weekend, but after a very serious stare, she realized that wasn't exactly the best idea. So we made our way to the dance floor where everyone seemed to be welcome.

It was unbelievable! I kid you not. I danced alongside Naomi Campbell and on my way to the ladies' room bumped into Rocky!!!! Sly himself!!! I was completely freaked out--we were the same height! This was my first brush with anything celebrity-related. I had been to an autograph signing at a bookstore for Kirk Cameron in, like, the seventh grade, but he never even showed up. This was huge!!!

Toward the end of evening number one, three scary European guys offered to drive us back to the hotel but something didn't seem cool--wait--absolutely nothing seemed cool about it, and besides which, we still hadn't hailed a cab. That was even an experience. We got back to the hotel and raided the mini bar. I think the sun was coming up at that point. We just couldn't get to sleep--there was so much to review!!!! We had never seen so many hot guys, never been to any kind of clubs other than those filled with dartboards, pool tables, and jukeboxes. The club had a DJ, and what was that??? I was in a car pool in the fifth grade with a "D.J." but that was as far as my association went. And hello?! We boogied in the same vicinity as a supermodel! Somebody pinch me.

Not bad for day one, right?!

Sophie and I woke up the next afternoon and spent our petty cash in an instant. She decided we needed to explore the famous Greenwich Village--"the Village" to the natives. Sophie had a list of every shop she wanted to see. Every department store, every cafe. I should have known what I was in for. Sophie was and is a fashionista to the core, but she would never admit it. You know how awesome a first kiss is, the rush and all? Well, that's how she feels after she signs her name on a receipt!


From the Trade Paperback edition.

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